Hey, Fatboy!

Dear Juanita,

Today is the day of your funeral. Never once did I think I would have to write that sentence, to you or to anyone. I deliberately waited a few days before I wrote anything; the pain of our loss is still very fresh.

I remember the day you found out about the cancer. When they told me, I couldn't believe it. How was it possible? I remember coming to your house that night, full of your family and loved ones. I sat down next to you on the couch and put my arm around you, not really know what to say. And you broke the silence between us with the most pain and fear I've ever heard in your voice, asking me if I knew how many stages there were in esophogeal cancer. "4," I said, with a tone of fear that rivaled your own. "Oh. That's what I have," you said, sounding so defeated. I'll always remember that moment, because, to this day, that is the moment that hurts my heart the most.

I wasn't there when you passed away, a fact that makes the pain all the more unbearable. I was on the mats when Christine called...46 times. When I got off and heard the vibration in my gym bag and saw all the missed calls, I knew it wasn't good. When she told me, I immediately started crying. I felt so bad for not being there.

After I collected myself, I came by to your house. Christine came out to see me and I started crying again. I calmed down enough to walk through the front door of your house, but as soon as I came in and everyone looked at me, and I saw all of your family and friends, it became too much. Mandy said hi to me, and I ran outside. I couldn't face your family; it was just too hard. For that, I am sorry; I meant no disrespect to your family.

When I came in to see you, it was so surreal. I saw you lying there, Juana, but you weren't breathing. As much as it hurt to know that you left, at the same time, you looked so peaceful. How could I really argue with that? As selfish as it was for us to want to keep you here, you needed to leave and I am glad that you're no longer in pain.

When the men from Oak Hill came for your body, I felt so numb. I couldn't cry anymore. To me, the most painful sound I've ever heard was the sound of the zipper when they zipped you up in that body bag. I was hearing the cries of your family members, feeling all of their sadness and sorrow -- I couldn't stand. But as they took you out on the gurney, I forced myself to stand, to show my respect for you.

The other day, I had a dream about you, Juana. Christine, Jessica, and I were at Oak Hill and they were about to close your casket. The funeral director asked me if I had any last words I wanted to say before he closed it. I told you how much I was going to miss you and how much I loved you and that I would make sure to check up on your parents and promised to take care of Mandy and Robert for you. And then...you woke up. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do. You started walking towards me and I kept moving back. But then, without saying a word, you gave me a hug. When I woke up, I started to cry. I didn't know what had happened, but I soon realized that you were trying to talk to me, Juana. It was like, you were saying that it was okay. That hug felt so real, I could feel everything: your warmth, your skin, the love you had for all of us. I normally don't remember my dreams very well, but this dream, this message from you, was so vivid. I'll never forget it. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up.

I know you're watching over us, Juana, and taking care of us. That's why I don't want to seem so sad all the time because I don't want you to feel bad for leaving us and making us sad. I want you to be at peace and feel that it's okay that you left. Of course, we'll all be sad because we miss you, but we're also happy that you're at peace.

I want to say thank you, Juana. Thank you for showing me what it means to fight, to persevere. When everything just wasn't going my way, I thought of you and what you were going through. I thought to myself, "Whatever I'm going through is nothing compared to what Juanita is going through." Your mother used to tell us that you got our strength from us, but for me, it was the opposite; I got my strength from you. One of the things I will miss the most is walking with you in Disneyland. I'll still walk a little bit slower than the group, because I know you'll be walking alongside me. We'll be sure to keep a seat open for you on the rides. And I'll keep my promise to you and take care of your family, Mandy, and Robert for you.

I'll always miss you and love you. You'll always be my "little" big sister.

Always your "big" little brother,

Christopher.

A few shots from the BJJ academy that I train at: Heroes Martial Arts in downtown San Jose. Visit www.HeroesMartialArts.com for information and class times.

Around the Academy

Our Mat Wall Logo:

Our large mat space:

Kyle showing Phil the Deep Half Guard:

Jason playing Spider Guard with Jeremy:

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Bay Area Jiu Jitsu Championships in Alameda, CA (11/14/09)

A few shots from the Bay Area Jiu Jitsu Championships held in Alameda, CA on 11/14/09. 4 of our guys competed and two medaled. Very proud of our guys for representing Heroes Martial Arts.

L-R: Chris, Adrian, "RonRob", Phil