Hey, Fatboy!

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To Juanita...

Dear Juanita,

Today is the day of your funeral. Never once did I think I would have to write that sentence, to you or to anyone. I deliberately waited a few days before I wrote anything; the pain of our loss is still very fresh.

I remember the day you found out about the cancer. When they told me, I couldn't believe it. How was it possible? I remember coming to your house that night, full of your family and loved ones. I sat down next to you on the couch and put my arm around you, not really know what to say. And you broke the silence between us with the most pain and fear I've ever heard in your voice, asking me if I knew how many stages there were in esophogeal cancer. "4," I said, with a tone of fear that rivaled your own. "Oh. That's what I have," you said, sounding so defeated. I'll always remember that moment, because, to this day, that is the moment that hurts my heart the most.

I wasn't there when you passed away, a fact that makes the pain all the more unbearable. I was on the mats when Christine called...46 times. When I got off and heard the vibration in my gym bag and saw all the missed calls, I knew it wasn't good. When she told me, I immediately started crying. I felt so bad for not being there.

After I collected myself, I came by to your house. Christine came out to see me and I started crying again. I calmed down enough to walk through the front door of your house, but as soon as I came in and everyone looked at me, and I saw all of your family and friends, it became too much. Mandy said hi to me, and I ran outside. I couldn't face your family; it was just too hard. For that, I am sorry; I meant no disrespect to your family.

When I came in to see you, it was so surreal. I saw you lying there, Juana, but you weren't breathing. As much as it hurt to know that you left, at the same time, you looked so peaceful. How could I really argue with that? As selfish as it was for us to want to keep you here, you needed to leave and I am glad that you're no longer in pain.

When the men from Oak Hill came for your body, I felt so numb. I couldn't cry anymore. To me, the most painful sound I've ever heard was the sound of the zipper when they zipped you up in that body bag. I was hearing the cries of your family members, feeling all of their sadness and sorrow -- I couldn't stand. But as they took you out on the gurney, I forced myself to stand, to show my respect for you.

The other day, I had a dream about you, Juana. Christine, Jessica, and I were at Oak Hill and they were about to close your casket. The funeral director asked me if I had any last words I wanted to say before he closed it. I told you how much I was going to miss you and how much I loved you and that I would make sure to check up on your parents and promised to take care of Mandy and Robert for you. And then...you woke up. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do. You started walking towards me and I kept moving back. But then, without saying a word, you gave me a hug. When I woke up, I started to cry. I didn't know what had happened, but I soon realized that you were trying to talk to me, Juana. It was like, you were saying that it was okay. That hug felt so real, I could feel everything: your warmth, your skin, the love you had for all of us. I normally don't remember my dreams very well, but this dream, this message from you, was so vivid. I'll never forget it. Even thinking about it now makes me tear up.

I know you're watching over us, Juana, and taking care of us. That's why I don't want to seem so sad all the time because I don't want you to feel bad for leaving us and making us sad. I want you to be at peace and feel that it's okay that you left. Of course, we'll all be sad because we miss you, but we're also happy that you're at peace.

I want to say thank you, Juana. Thank you for showing me what it means to fight, to persevere. When everything just wasn't going my way, I thought of you and what you were going through. I thought to myself, "Whatever I'm going through is nothing compared to what Juanita is going through." Your mother used to tell us that you got our strength from us, but for me, it was the opposite; I got my strength from you. One of the things I will miss the most is walking with you in Disneyland. I'll still walk a little bit slower than the group, because I know you'll be walking alongside me. We'll be sure to keep a seat open for you on the rides. And I'll keep my promise to you and take care of your family, Mandy, and Robert for you.

I'll always miss you and love you. You'll always be my "little" big sister.

Always your "big" little brother,

Christopher.

Pictures from the Bay Area Jiu Jitsu Championships and Around the Academy

A few shots from the BJJ academy that I train at: Heroes Martial Arts in downtown San Jose. Visit www.HeroesMartialArts.com for information and class times.

Around the Academy

Our Mat Wall Logo:

Our large mat space:

Kyle showing Phil the Deep Half Guard:

Jason playing Spider Guard with Jeremy:

View the rest here

Bay Area Jiu Jitsu Championships in Alameda, CA (11/14/09)

A few shots from the Bay Area Jiu Jitsu Championships held in Alameda, CA on 11/14/09. 4 of our guys competed and two medaled. Very proud of our guys for representing Heroes Martial Arts.

L-R: Chris, Adrian, "RonRob", Phil

"RonRob" working for a triangle

Phil working to lock up a triangle

"RonRob" places 1st in his division!

Phil gets 2nd place in his division!

View the rest here

Pics from Christine's Birthday Dinner @ Napa Rose in the Grand Californian Hotel

A few shots of dinner from our latest trip =)

A salmon starter:

A Lobster pot pie:

Scallop w/ sauce of lemon, lobster, and Tahitian vanilla (aka the BEST SCALLOP EVER!)

Portobello Mushroom Bisque

Duck w/ quail egg, sausage, and bread pudding

Some Dessert wine

Christine's dessert (Apple crisp)

My Dessert (Pumpkin cheesecake w/ walnut ice cream)

Shots of the kitchen

One-of-a-kind Pixar label wines signed by John Lasseter:

4th of July @ Lyz & Joe

Had a fun time @ Lyz & Joe's BBQ for the 4th of July. Lots of food and booze...good times. A few pics:

Pictures from our latest trip to Disneyland

Christine just picked up a Canon EOD 5D Mark II for graduation, so we decided to take it with us on our latest trip to Disneyland. These shots were taken with a Canon Zoom Wide Angle-Telephoto EF 24-70mm f/2.8L USM Autofocus Lens.

For more, the full set can be found on Christine's Flickr page

Updates

So this is the part in the blog post where I say "Man, it's been forever since I've written in here. I'll find time to write here more, I swear," and then don't actually post again for another 2 months. Bleh. But I will try to make a conscious effort to write in here more. I swear.

Lots of things have transpired over the past 2 months. Christine graduated from SFSU and I am extremely proud of her. It was a very cold morning in San Francisco on the day of her graduation, but it was worth it. Hopefully her internship at CBS pans out and she can get a PA position from there. If not, it's still okay; she'll still learn a lot from the experience and add some good stuff to her resume.

A little bummed out this week because Christine and I were supposed to be in Mexico, celebrating her graduation with sun, the beach, and probably lots and lots of booze. Instead, we're still in San Jose...with the clouds...at home/work...and no booze. When word of Swine Flu hit about a month and a half ago, everyone was freaking out and "closing" Mexico. We opted to postpone our trip to July, not knowing if Mexico would "re-open" or not. Thankfully, it did, so we can now enjoy our sun, beach, and booze and not have to worry too much about Swine Flu (even though we weren't too concerned with it in the first place).

As the months go on and the quarters go by, I'm starting to appreciate vacation time. To cope with the economy, my company has asked us to take 5 days per quarter of mandatory vacation time. Some people may not like it, but I welcome it. My weeks are packed with work and other activities that I need a few days to chill out. Granted, I'm not married and don't have kids like the other engineers, but I'm just as busy. I love the time off because those are the "me" days that I don't usually get during the week. I don't have to worry about deadlines, writing processes, or any of that stuff.

Well, that's the end of this post. I really do promise to post here more. In fact, I might post something tomorrow or Friday; got some things I've been thinking of for awhile that I've been meaning to jot down.

Been a long time

I just noticed that it's been over a month since I've posted. I was in the middle of a post about 2 weeks ago, but I guess I forgot to save it. Forgot what I wrote in that post, too. Oh, well.

Things have been so crazy lately. Work has been kind of nuts and I'm starting to ramp up my workouts to lose the last 30 or so pounds. Started doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu which I've been super excited about for the past month. It's definitely a lot better to do it on a mat, rather than on a lawn or in the park. Looking back, we were incredibly dumb for not doing it in a controlled environment. Thank God I joined this gym. One of the few things I look forward to every week.

Things around the house have been crazy too. Uncle Anh had a stroke the other week that totally took everyone by surprise. It really did something to him; he's having trouble with his coordination and a lot of his memory. Some days he'll remember things and some days he won't. He still can't really walk and still can't go to the bathroom by himself. The part about his memory is what hurts me the most. He pretty much raised me when I was a kid since my dad was working all the time. All those times he took me out to ball games or the movies -- I wonder if he still remembers them. It was always assumed that he knew my grandpa (his father) had passed away in November. I remember hearing that he knew. But the other day, he asked my aunt how come my grandpa hadn't come to visit him. She didn't say anything, but I couldn't imagine being there when he asked that. Hearing that really broke my heart. I really hope he gets better soon, but I know it's going to take time. It just sucks because it's so soon after my grandpa passed. Seeing him in the hospital, even hearing the way he talks, reminds me of my grandpa.

But I know things will get better. You really just have to ride it out. Everything takes time. Just gotta be patient. If jiu jitsu has taught me anything, it's that even though things are looking bad -- you're getting mounted, you're in a bad position, whatever -- there's always a way out.

Happy 4 Year anniversary

I know a blog post isn't really the most romantic thing in the world, but I wanted to take some time to say Happy Anniversary to my girlfriend, Christine. Even though it doesn't feel like it's been that long, it's been an amazing 4 years. It seems so long ago when we used to have our weekly video game night (it used to be Thursdays..hehe) and worrying if we were going to be accepted by each other's families.

The picture above and to the left was taken sometime within the first month of us being together in 2005. The picture above and to the right is one of our more recent photos from Valentine's Day 2009. As you can see, we've both changed over the past 4 years; not just physically, but emotionally, as well. Having Christine in my life for the past 4 years has brought such a change in me. I've learned to be more selfless, more responsible, and more mature. I can honestly say that if it wasn't for her, I'd probably still be in school. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have worked so hard to graduate, get an internship, and join the workforce. To put it simply, without her, I wouldn't have cared about myself; I'd probably still be at school, working at Gap with no goals. She made me better.

The reason that I love her is because she makes me feel like I can do anything. And I would do anything for her. Even if my job sucks or money gets really tight, I'll grind it out to make her happy. Because she's worth it to me. But most of all, she loves me for being me. And I know she does because she loved me when I was fat (I'm still a little chubby, but that's besides the point).

We've been through so many ups and downs in the past 4 years, celebrating accomplishments and getting by through rough times. But it's all been worth it. And so, I leave you with some words from Musiq Soulchild:

I'll love you when you hair turns gray, girl
I'll still want you if you gain a little weight, yeah
the way i feel for you will always be the same
Just as long as your love dont change

Happy 4 Year Anniversary, Christine. I love you.

Letting it all out

My life in the past few weeks has been extremely crazy. Between work, working out, and Christine, I haven't had time to really stop and relax. The other night, I fell asleep as soon as I put my head on my pillow, which has never happened to me before. It's nice; dreaming of getting away, taking indefinite vacations with Christine and just not having to worry about anything. Unfortunately, I really don't get enough sleep.

For the longest time, I've kind of been in denial about how bad the economy is. I always thought that if I didn't hear it, it'd fix itself and go away. But lately, I've been feeling the effects, not so much with my bank account or whatever, but just the constant need to have to save. My parents' jobs are in jeopardy again; nothing new. It seems like we go through this cycle every few years. The difference this time is that I'm actually making some money so I have to support the family in case something ever does happen.

I feel like I need an escape. Somewhere I can just go when I don't wanna deal with all this shit anymore. I need an outlet for all these feelings. Granted, the gym helps with stress a little, but doing the same workouts every other day is so monotonous. I checked out a BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) gym out with Vince the other night and wanted to join so bad. But I know that I can't because I have all these responsibilities at home and to have to save for the future. Some people might ask why I would even want to join a BJJ gym. It's just something I've always been interested in as a sport. Other people like football, baseball, basketball; I like Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It's just kinda depressing to know that because of everything I have going on, I can't really do what I want. I don't feel free.

I feel like I'm gonna explode. Like I have all this inside of me that I just need to let go. Because doing the same thing every single day, every single week is getting to me and the more I take the time to realize what's going on around me, I realize that I'm really...

...not happy.

Single of the week - 2/15/09

Looks like I skipped a week, but this week's selection is an oldie, but a goodie.

You Are My Lady - Freddie Jackson

My Weight Loss progress so far

It's been many many weeks since I've started my diet and, as you can see, I'm losing a good amount of weight. There are a few quibbles in there, times where I haven't lost so much or times where I've actually gained, but, for the most part, I'm losing.

It's been increasingly difficult over the last 5 or so months to really change my old habits and try to be healthier. I'm used to it now since I've been doing it for awhile, but trust me, it was rough in the beginning. Being on this diet has taught me to live cleaner; no more junk food, fast food, no more drinking (well, maybe a light beer every now and then). It's been a positive experience, but it's not without it's hardships. There are days where I just REALLY hate going to the gym. If it were up to me, I'd give myself multiple days off, but having to record my weight every week keeps me self-conscious and, thus, forces me to go workout.

But once I'm there, it's pretty easy to stay motivated. I just think about why I'm doing this: my health. Both sides of my family don't have great track records when it comes to medical history; high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Being overweight makes me more of a risk for these diseases.

I had never really thought about how big I actually was before I started. I try not to pay attention to my BMI because I hear it's not an accurate depiction of someone's fitness and health profile, but my BMI when I started was 40. That's high. I've managed to work my way down to around a 31 or 32. Still considered "obese" by the BMI, though I don't feel like I am. I feel better than ever, yet the BMI says my "healthy weight is 177. If that's true, I got a long way to go. All I know is, I'm just going to keep going until my body tells me it's had enough and is comfortable with where it's at, which I'm hoping is around the 190-200 range. We shall see, though. I'll continue to keep everyone updated.

Before & After:

Single of the Week - 02/01/09

This week's single you may recognize from the new Geico commercials. It's a remake of "Somebody's Watching Me" remixed by Mysto and Pizzi. Check out their video blog on their YouTube channel: Mysto and Pizzi.